The Adults Should Know Better

22 Mar

I’m well overdue for a good ol’ fashioned internet rant, and I’m afraid it’s gonna be a doozy.

Maybe you haven’t heard the story of the little boy who was bullied for his love of My Little Ponies and his Rainbow Dash backpack.  Grayson Bruce’s bullies physically attacked him as a part of their bullying, making him feel unsafe at school.  The school’s response?  Was to ban the backpack as it was a distraction and a “trigger for bullying.”  Basically, the school told Grayson that he was responsible for his own bullying and for the physical and emotional pain other children were intentionally causing him.  Their message to Grayson and to any student in their school who may be a little different is “Maybe you could be just a little less weird.  Is that so much to ask?”

I wish I could say that this kind of mentality from school officials isn’t the norm, but time and time again, I have witnessed students’ individuality systematically discouraged under the guise of rules about maintaining a “distraction free learning environment.”  Just this week, I heard from a friend and fellow parent that her daughter’s teacher recommended that her 4th grader seek counseling to learn how to “fit in better.”  You see, this child’s peers have sunk to ignoring her, name-calling, and the occasional “oops, I didn’t mean to place that sticker on your shoulder by hitting you.”

“Jane” is ostracized in and out of class because she’s a little different.  She likes things other kids don’t like, speaks a little loudly, often has her nose in a book, and doesn’t care about keeping up with the latest clothing styles.  I know this child well and see her weekly.  She is brilliant – mind-blowingly brilliant.  Creative, witty, and fun.  While the other girls in her class are swooning over teen heart throbs and gushing over their newest miniskirt, she loves Minecraft and computer games about animals… and it just so happens that her My Little Pony collection could probably rival Grayson’s. She loves learning and pours herself into school.  Or she did.

You see, her school’s response to the relational aggression and outright harassment being directed at her has been one of dismissal and excuses.  Her teacher insists she hasn’t seen any incidents of bullying and when Jane asks for help with a specific situation, she is told that nothing can be done since it’s a case of “he said, she said.”  When a boy harassed Jane on the bus, the bus driver told her that she was lying, and no action was taken until the mother contacted the administration.  Even after the boy’s mother had her son admit to the incident, no apology was issued to Jane from the school or the bus driver, and the boy suffered no consequences from the school for his behavior.  It’s no wonder Jane’s enthusiasm for school has waned.

And I have to wonder.  If Jane was more “normal,” would the teacher dismiss her cries for help?  If she were less introverted, would the administration tell her mother there is nothing they can do?  If she were your typical “popular” kid (tall and thin with designer clothes and an impatience to grow up), would the bus driver have accused her of lying?

The truth is that struggling to fit in with your peers is a rite of passage.  Kids can be downright cruel as they figure out how they fit into society and how to bend the social rules to their will.  That’s easy to explain and frankly, to be expected from children whose brains are quite literally still developing.  The adults… should know better.  School should be a safe place for all students to learn and play and it is job of each teacher and administrator to ensure that safety.  If Jane doesn’t have any advocates, even within the school staff, how can she possibly stand a chance with the other students?

Quote Bullying Post

I’m angry.  I’m angry for Jane and for Grayson.  I know firsthand that a teacher’s intervention can lift up a child who’s different from “weird” to “wonderful,” without asking the child to change who they are.  I’ve seen classrooms where teachers insisted on mutual respect among all the students, and where the “weird” kids were celebrated for their talents and abilities.  I’ve participated in classes where “unique” was the compliment it should be, and where there were no misfits because everyone was a misfit.  These teachers do one simple thing differently from teachers like Jane’s:  they place the blame for the bullying on the bully instead of the victim.  Students are not expected to love or befriend everyone in the class, but teasing is not tolerated and accusations of bullying are addressed immediately and sincerely.

My friend Miranda wrote about this recently as well, with her piece Stop It With the Victim Blaming.  In her piece, she reminds us that children are being destroyed by the kind of relational aggression and harassment that Jane faces at her school daily.  So don’t tell me that “in your day, you knew how to take an insult and just not let it bother you,” that you “don’t have enough time to deal with bullying,” or that these kids who dare (because they are DARING) to be themselves in a world that increasingly values homogeny somehow deserve to be treated as less than human.

Fitting in?  Is overrated.  It’s time to spread the word and stand up for the kids who are struggling.

Enough is enough.

**Obviously, the names in this post have been changed.***

3 Responses to “The Adults Should Know Better”

  1. Kimberly M (@momgosomething) March 25, 2014 at 7:22 am #

    Sigh…my sister was bullied all throughout grade school. Of course it was her fault. On her birthday, some of her classmates chased her while she was riding her bike. They pushed her off of it and called her names. When I caught wind of it, I flew to that girls house so fast and kicked the shit out of her in her own yard.
    Don’t regret it one bit.
    My dad had to get a lawyer after that. Not for me. But to sue the school. True story.
    Kid’s are assholes and the ones who raise them are even bigger.

    • learnedhappiness March 31, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

      I’m honestly kind of floored that this child I know has been treated like this. I wouldn’t blame her parents one bit if they took legal action against the school/teacher/administration. Ugh.

  2. jess April 1, 2014 at 12:08 pm #

    I hadn’t read that story. That’s infuriating. Poor boy. My brother was bullied all through school because he was tiny compared to his classmates. Is that a “distraction?” It’s disgusting how closed minded some people are. That and sheer ignorance.

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