I Swear I’m Not An Asshole

7 Dec

Dear Everyone Who Gets A Christmas Card From Me This Year,

iPhone for scale

iPhone for scale

I swear I’m not an asshole who is trying to start some kind of photo card arms race with my 6×8 holiday FLYERS.  I’m merely an over-worked mom who was drinking wine and doing three other things when she placed her card order. (I mean, really, Shutterfly?  You asked me to check my spelling, my dates, my image resolution – but never thought to ask me if I was sober before I hit “submit?”)

Believe me, I was as shocked as you are opening up my package.  For a moment, I wondered if my hands had shrunk.

And even worse?  I think my Christmas Cards have an attitude problem.  I can hear them now, sitting on your table next to all the other beautiful cards you received:

“Aren’t you adorable.  What are you?  3×4?  So cute.”

“I’m not saying my family is better than yours, but it did take two stamps to mail ME.”

That’s right.  I get to pay extra this year to look like a jerk.  I think the post office is charging me some kind of douchebag penalty for the size of my holiday greetings.

So when you open up my envelope, have a laugh for at with me.  Then clear some space on a large bulletin board or table and enjoy.

Next year, posters.

Then billboards.

************

p.s.  If you get a normal-sized card from me this year, it’s because you got one of the Minted batches.  At least I didn’t screw up both card orders, right?

7 Responses to “I Swear I’m Not An Asshole”

  1. Miranda December 7, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

    Ha!! Love it!

  2. uppoppedafox December 7, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

    Love this. Laughed out loud

  3. Lea December 7, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

    LOL! You rock. But I think before you go poster you should do pop-up 😉

  4. Emily December 8, 2013 at 9:34 pm #

    That’s pretty damn funny. At least your Christmas flyers have cute babies on them.

  5. elise December 15, 2013 at 5:10 pm #

    it’s rare that I actually laugh out loud when reading blog posts… even if I say ‘lol’ but seriously! love it!!!! 😀

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