I Am Not Okay (But I Will Be)

16 May

Hi.

It’s me.

I’ve been quiet online and in my real life, too.

It’s not you. It’s me.

It started as irritability.  I found myself cursing at tiny grains of rice as I tried to scoop them off the floor after a meal.  I snapped at my husband for little things: hair left on the bathroom counter, a tone in his voice I took offense to.  The girls pushed buttons.  They couldn’t help it.  Everything was a button.

And then the quiet set in.  And I wanted to curl up with hours of The West Wing and my crochet.  From the moment I got up in the morning.

I started to hear my inner-monologue whisper nasty things about being unloved, unworthy.

I waited.  Because sometimes, a bad week is just a bad week.  And then the timing suggested it was PMS. And well, it should have lifted by now.  I should be back to my overachieving, confident, take-life-by-the-horns self.

So yesterday, I call friends and told them what was going on.  I asked them to hold me accountable for calling my doctors and making therapy and psych appointments.  I cut back on my commitments and took the evening to take care of myself. I know exactly what to do.

And I know what not to do.  I will not believe that I am unworthy.  I will not seek out truth in the grey cloud that is casting shadows on my life.  Whether this is lingering PMS, a reaction to teething-induced sleep deprivation, or something more, I will not forget that depression lies.

I will be okay.

14 Responses to “I Am Not Okay (But I Will Be)”

  1. Mirjam May 16, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    Yes, you will be okay.
    I am so glad you are writing about this. Not just because I’ve been through the same thing lately, but because it really helps to reach out. To not have to hide how you are feeling.
    And, yes depressing lies.

    You are smart, beautiful, funny, loving and a great Mom.
    xoxo

  2. Cristi @ Motherhood Unadorned May 16, 2013 at 10:45 am #

    What is it with right now? So many of us are having a hard time. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well but I’m proud of you for knowing what to do to find your way back. Hugs!!

  3. elise May 16, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

    way to take the steps! and crocheting with tv is a great way to decompress –sometimes 😉

  4. Andrea B (@goodgirlgonered) May 16, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

    You absolutely WILL be. I’m here for whatever you need and thinking of you. Sending love and strength and support for always. xo

  5. Jamie Last May 17, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

    Such a heart-felt post. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. ALWAYS. And keep watching the West Wing. With any luck, they’ll bring it back one day! Best wishes X

    • learnedhappiness May 20, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

      Thanks so much. I’m so glad I know that this isn’t forever. That helps a ton. Nothing else like it since. Love the West Wing!

  6. Alison May 22, 2013 at 3:10 am #

    Yes, you are most definitely okay. Because you are self-aware.
    You are loved, and you are loving.
    Wishing you peace, love and light.

  7. Mamaintheburbs May 22, 2013 at 11:48 pm #

    Loved this post Susan! I’ve been going through the same feelings. Quickly called my Dr and scheduled therapy a week early. Depression lies, certainly! At least now I try to prepare vs react. Be well! Thinking of you!

  8. Kristin Novotny (@littlemamajama) May 26, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. You WILL be okay. I’m so glad that you’ve asked friends to keep you accountable for taking care of yourself. Sending big hugs, love and strength.

  9. tranquilamama May 27, 2013 at 10:53 pm #

    Sending you my love and support, Susan. So proud of you for reaching out.

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