Eleven Months

16 Nov

I’m linking up with Alison and Galit this week for Memories Captured.  I love how they encourage me to stop and smell the roses.  Even the bittersweet ones.

When did you become this little person?  The one whose favorite food is grilled chicken and peas?  The one who loses all her bones and slumps to the floor because the disappointment over the gated stairs has overtaken her entire being?

I held you last night upon your third wakening.  I couldn’t bring myself to put you back in the crib and have you dream for all those hours away from me.  It seems like only a moment ago we were one being.  And now here you are, weeks, days away from turning one year old.

It has been an amazing eleven months, sweet Bean.  You and I have accomplished so much together, learned so much from one another.  You have given me the first year I always wanted, unmarred by postpartum depression’s sharp talons.  And I have to admit I’m a little devastated it’s almost over.  Not just sad or nostalgic.  I watch you stand and wobble, try to put your socks on your toes, or color a little picture and as proud as I am of you, and as excited as I am to watch you experience your world, I mourn for the loss of the baby you were just the day before.

I want to sob, “Please don’t turn one.  Please don’t leave me,” and yet I know that you are not mine.  You came through me, but you are not mine to keep.  And so I will stand here helpless to stop time.  And I will try my best to let you grow.


6 Responses to “Eleven Months”

  1. Runnermom-jen November 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    Oh, it’s so bittersweet to see them grow. I love how you view it, as them not really being yours. And, yes, if there were a pause button for life, I would use it all.the.time.

  2. Alison November 17, 2012 at 7:38 am #

    Beautiful, beautiful letter, Susan. How do they get so big, so fast?

    • learnedhappiness November 17, 2012 at 10:29 am #

      I don’t know, but it’s killing me this time. No1’s first year dragged on for me. But this one? Like a bullet.

  3. Kimberly M (@momgosomething) November 17, 2012 at 7:50 am #

    Absolutely precious. I hope that you keep this 🙂

  4. Erin G @ebum1101 November 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    Beautiful post, really. 🙂

  5. Galit Breen (@GalitBreen) November 18, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

    So very big, so very fast!

    {Sob, sniffle}

    This is lovely!


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