21 May

I used to have to do everything perfectly.

So I learned how to do everything well enough.

Then I learned how to do just some things.

These days, I’d take anything.

I’m really struggling with how little gets accomplished around here these days.  All of a sudden, my anxiety  is back with unwelcome company… postpartum OCD.

I want to take apart the kitchen cabinet that houses the bottles and reorganize everything – daily.  Each bottle has a corresponding-colored top and it’s driving me literally nuts that they aren’t matched up, but I’m consciously avoiding fixing them.

The bottles work fine mismatched.  Breathe.

A load of laundry is overwhelming – all that washing and drying and folding.

It’s just laundry.  Take your time.

And deep down, I feel like if I could just get the house spotless, I would be a better mom.

Your kids will never remember the messy house.  It is clean enough.

I obsess over how much No2 nurses.  It never seems like enough.

She will nurse when she is hungry.  She’s growing like a weed and obviously eats just what she needs.

But the worst part is the intrusive thoughts.  The thoughts make me feel unworthy, insecure, tense.  I feel so angry at nothing…everything.

You cannot always choose your thoughts and feelings but you can choose not to believe the story they tell you.

I know I will be better.  I know that this is acute, treatable, and temporary.  And I know that these thoughts and obsessions aren’t me.  But it hurts.  And it’s hard to battle every day.

The anxiety and OCD whisper, “Don’t tell anyone –  they’ll think you’re a bad mom.  Look how great everything is – they’ll never understand.”

Mental illness clouds rational thinking.  Tell someone.  Scream it from the rooftops.  You are not alone.

I will not let shame bury me.

6 Responses to “Anything”

  1. addyeB May 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

    I know this is difficult for you. I know postpartum OCD is hell and unwelcome. But I’m so proud of how self-aware you are. And how strong. So strong. And brave. Wholehearted. So many wonderful things about you, even the ones you may think aren’t your best attributes. I learn and gain so much from you, from the experiences you share. I love how you are creating and living out healthy expectations for yourself. You’re inspiring. Keep talking your way through this and getting help, keep sharing. You rock Susan-don’t let any illness tell you otherwise. Love you SO much.

  2. Kimberly M (@momgosomething) May 21, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

    Move close to the computer screen…
    A little closer…
    A little bit more…
    Did you feel that?
    I’m giving you a giant virtual squeeze.
    This is so tough but don’t get discouraged. There are bumps and blips and mountains but look how you overcame each one of them.
    You are stronger than you think and you’re even stronger with the army behind you.
    Much love and strength. xoxo

    • learnedhappiness May 21, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      Thanks, Kim. I really did move closer to the screen. 😉

      I am determined to fight through this…to not believe the lies the anxiety and ocd tell me. I’m angry that I’m not in the clear with this baby. I hate that I have to fight to feel connected to my girls. But we play the cards we are dealt. So I’m gonna play this pair of twos, with my game face on.


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